When you have lost someone you love at Christmas

 

Christmas is a time of the year when we think about who we want to spend time with, what we enjoy, who we love and care about and how we show them. Of course, there’s the presents and the tinsel and the food (and the arguments!) but the season is, at the heart of it all, about love.

So, it is not easy if someone you love isn’t here anymore.

It might be the first Christmas without them, or many (many) years on. Perhaps the pain and hurt of that loss is intense and present every minute of every day, or perhaps it’s softened with time; but it’s still there and it’s worth acknowledging it to yourself, and to others around you if it helps. It hurts. Here’s a few things to think about, or that you might notice.

It’s going to be hard.

It’s OK to not feel like celebrating, but others might need you to be involved and engaged – that’s especially true if you have small children. So, it’s OK, you can go along with it all; it’s not disloyal, doesn’t mean you aren’t hurting and doesn’t mean you are ‘back to normal’, It’s just what’s needed now.

You’re going to notice things that hit you for the first time.

The present that you didn’t need to buy, the number of people at the table, the change in who carves the turkey, shells the prawns, mans the BBQ or wraps the presents.  Maybe you feel like you have been thumped in the chest and that any hope for joy today is gone.  But it’s not. Let yourself cry and let yourself smile if you want to. The way you feel might swing like a pendulum.

Ignore those who tell you how you “should” feel.

We know that losing someone affects us all in different ways; but that’s easy to forget when we see that others are not reacting the same way we are. We can feel resentful, angry, ashamed of our own reaction or lonely; “why don’t others seem as upset as I feel?”. They might be, but they show it differently, or in private when you’re not looking, or on other days than today. Christmas can be an intense time for families. Seeing people you haven’t seen for ages (or don’t really like that much), putting up with other’s habits and opinions, feeling tired and hot. If you need some space, take it. If your emotional wounds are just starting to “scab over”, don’t let others pick at them! Gross image, but you get the idea.

Like we said, Christmas, after all, is about love and togetherness

If you can’t do that just yet, don’t force yourself into situations that are too much and into behaving in a way you will regret. Don’t get trapped, if you think you might want to leave, then drive yourself (or plan a taxi). Let others know your plans.

You will get there!

Each Christmas can get that tiny bit easier. New traditions might start; decide which ones you want to keep and which you want to change. Maybe you light a candle, have a reminder of the person with you (like a favourite scarf, jumper, photo, their favourite, cheesy, Christmas songs) so you feel like a little part of them is still included, still part of it all. If you want to go to their memorial, then do; but you don’t have to; and others might not want to. Ditto for Christmas cards, take the pressure off.

Memories will show up.

Old memories will always be there – and that’s OK – they can be bitter sweet but also a comfort. Try to remind yourself that you did have valuable Christmases together; you wanted more, but the ones you did have really and truly count for a lot. Watch the alcohol; a trip down memory lane and eggnog do not always mix well; neither do solemnly scoffed boxes of chocolate; though the chocolate thing is open to debate ;-).

Most of all, go easy on yourself, go easy on others.

Don’t put yourself in a pressure cooker of perfectionism, preparation, shoulds and musts. This might be new and raw, or it might be an old wound that you notice more at this time of year. Christmas is about kindness and generosity, and that includes to yourself.

With care,

J&J xx